we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
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