i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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