if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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