can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
you never un-have a 4some
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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