I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize