While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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