My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Still dying that you shit outside
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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