But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
tell me about the eggs
Randomize