bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
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