My underwear smells like fireworks.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
