the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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