Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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