Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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