Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
