I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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