My liver just broke up with me...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
