Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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