Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
