Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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