I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
