I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
