Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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