We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
