You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize