I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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