so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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