i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
