So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
