I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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