Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
