i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
