so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
