i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
