He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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