The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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