She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
