I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
