My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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