It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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