Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
