he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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