i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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