Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
