Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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