Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize