Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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