Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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