i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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