Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I will die if light touches me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
