I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
