the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
