Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
