Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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