I'm laying in your front yard are you home
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
