my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
